Wednesday 30 November 2011

My first ever comment!

I was so happy to get a comment! Oh and to see I had 2 followers. To be honest..I felt in a really dark place last week, everything seemed not to be going well, and I guess writing it about it did actually help. I had no intention of starting a blog, it just seemed to happen. I needed someone to talk to and given the fact it was the middle of the night, as I never sleep, writing it down seemed the best thing to do. I feel in a better place this week and feel able to look ahead to the future. 

Thanks again to Anonyms for my first ever comment and reading. It means a lot. :o) 

Jax x

Thursday 24 November 2011

My first real post...LOSS!

Okay so here goes nothing....

You know sometimes when you think you're having a crap week? My family and I had been playing pass the bug..now teamed with my other health issues, it really dragged me down. Anyway, after being knee high in vomit and other lovely things for 2 weeks, I really was feeling a tad sorry for myself. 

I dragged my sorry carcass out my sick bed to go down to the fridge to get even more tablets. As always I popped my head around the livingroom door to see Sweepy, my beautiful furry baby boy - he's a bunny by the way. It was all a bit weird as he always says hello back in his own bunny kinda way, but this time he was hiding under his log bridge type thingy. Hmm, so on closer inspection I noticed he hadn't ate his nuggets. Now this was unheard of as he was a greedy tyke. So I thought he was maybe huffing since I'd been awol in bed for a week. I must add here he had been getting fed, cleaned etc by my better half. All the same neglected by his Mama. So I immediately forgot about sick bowls and such like and got the wee dude out his cage. As always he ran under the dining room table. I did crawl under to talk to him, trying to cajole him out his mood (normally he can never resist my charms for too long!) This time he seemed different though. After about ten minutes he sort of came over to where I was, well close enough that I could hear his breathing was a bit laboured. 

Panic? Me? Too right I did.. Straight on the phone to the vet. By now it was around 5.30pm and the vet closes at 6pm, so last appointment is 5.50pm. They agreed to see me, but first tried to convince me he was maybe just having an off day, but I wasn't having any of that..no way Jose! So I got one of my sons to sit with him and try and get him in his pet carrier box, while I quickly dragged on some joggies and a hat (yeah..I looked splendid) Oh and I did brush my teeth! When I came down, I honestly expected a fight to get him in his box, he hates it with a passion, but no fight. He just hopped in, good as gold! So we set off, in the dark, infact I had to walk/jog/run a bit as time was ticking. I chatted to him the whole way, saying the vet would make him all better. At the vet, they thoroughly checked him over. He seemed fine but they noted his temperature was up slightly. So as a precaution he had 3 injections.  (Oh I forgot to mention he HATES being handled with a passion. In the 2 years since I've had him, I've held him about 3 times, and each time looked like I'd lost a fight with a rather nasty cat!) One antibiotic, one for his wee tummy (incase it was upset) and the other was pain medicine I think. The vet said he was sure he'd be fine, if he still wasn't eating by the next day, then I should bring him back.

To me vets are God. He said he'd be fine, so he'd be fine. I relaxed a little and opened his box. He's wet his wee pants (of course he doesn't really wear pants?!) in the vet, the vet said it was just stress. So his wee pants, well paws, were a wee bit wet. Poor boy. I sat and stroked and chatted to him, meanwhile instructing hubbykins to clean all his cage out to get it nice and comfy incase he wanted to go in for a wee sleep later. I had no intention of putting him in, afterall he's my baby, and sick, so therefore we'd sit up all night watching telly or whatever! He loved to sleep outside his cage. Next thing all hell literally broke loose. He hopped out his box, then over to the window. He usually looked out the window as my 2 dogs are often out there and I think he liked to watch them. Within seconds he started fitting, now I have a son who has seizures, so I'm well used to dealing with them, but this was frantic, he was trying to get up and falling over. I screamed at my husband to call the vet. By this time it had switched over to the emergency vet, so there was the faff of having to write down the number of the emergency vet (why they don't just transfer the call to another line after 6 I don't know!!) but all in that short minute or however long, it may only have been seconds, he was gone. At that point my husband screamed back at me to get out, he was in a state too. I climbed the stairs and had one of the worst asthma attacks of my life. What the hell just happened? In my heart I knew when he'd screamed at me to get out it was over, but I was doing the old - head, bury, sand thing and thinking maybe he'd be okay? Deep down I knew he wasn't though.

I've dealt with death before. I lost my Dad (I was a total Daddy's girl as you'll learn over time) at the age of 28. I also struggled with the loss of 3 of my dogs over my lifetime. 2 had to be put to sleep (1 who was about 16 and in ill health, then the other who was riddled with cancer at the age of 8) then there was my other wee baby dog (my first dog of my own) who was killed by a car. I liken the loss of Sweep to losing her. The total shock of it, the fact they suffered. When they're old, or poorly, you kinda half expect it. Not that it makes it easy, far from it. I can't get my head around the fact I was only 5 minutes back from the vet and now he'd passed. I thought he was going to be okay! As it happened, the emergency vet, was the same vet who had seen Sweep prior. He seemed upset and said he'd thought it may be VHD, but hadn't liked to say. I felt angry that he hadn't kept him there then and if he'd got worse, he could've prevented the suffering he had at the end. That's the bit I can't stop re-living. He was only 2, had never been ill and now he's gone. Maybe in time I'll feel thankful that Sweep was with us when he passed. Without sounding big-headed I was his fav person ever, so maybe it was meant to be that a minute before he passed, he was getting stroked and talked rubbish to by me? Infact, already as I type, I'm sure it was better he was with me, than strangers in a cold vet.

I know to some he was only an animal, he was my baby boy though. There's a lot more to that feeling..I can't have anymore 'real' kids, so these furry kids mean the world to me. Since it happened on Tuesday 23rd November, I haven't been back in my livingroom. I can't face to see where it all happened. I can't stand to see the big empty space where his cage was. My seat was right beside him, while I watched television, if he was in the cage, then my hand was in there with him. I am thankful for the wonderful 2 years I had with him, to me he was the most beautiful bunny there ever was (biased, me?) I'll miss everything about him, his beautiful face, his beautiful soft fur, his wee strops, him sharing our Sunday dinners - he had his wee plate of veggies every Sunday, his love of balloons and my livingroom won't ever be the same now. It doesn't feel like home right now. 

Now I'll always be afraid to think I'm having a bad week, incase it gets horribly worse like it did. The only thing I keep reminding myself is that somewhere else, someone will have suffered a much greater human loss, maybe those poor soldiers in Afghan, or some poor, poor parent losing a child (my worst ever fear) I have to just be thankful for the love he brought into my home. 


Sleep tight in Rainbow Bridge Sweepy Boy. I'll be up to get you soon. Love, Mama ox's

Test Post!

Okay, here goes...oooft, I don't even know what to write now. Will I even manage to keep a blog? Most people's blogs I read are interesting. I doubt I'm really interesting at all..good start huh? Bahahaha

Sheesh is this enough for my first post do ya reckon?