Thursday 24 November 2011

My first real post...LOSS!

Okay so here goes nothing....

You know sometimes when you think you're having a crap week? My family and I had been playing pass the bug..now teamed with my other health issues, it really dragged me down. Anyway, after being knee high in vomit and other lovely things for 2 weeks, I really was feeling a tad sorry for myself. 

I dragged my sorry carcass out my sick bed to go down to the fridge to get even more tablets. As always I popped my head around the livingroom door to see Sweepy, my beautiful furry baby boy - he's a bunny by the way. It was all a bit weird as he always says hello back in his own bunny kinda way, but this time he was hiding under his log bridge type thingy. Hmm, so on closer inspection I noticed he hadn't ate his nuggets. Now this was unheard of as he was a greedy tyke. So I thought he was maybe huffing since I'd been awol in bed for a week. I must add here he had been getting fed, cleaned etc by my better half. All the same neglected by his Mama. So I immediately forgot about sick bowls and such like and got the wee dude out his cage. As always he ran under the dining room table. I did crawl under to talk to him, trying to cajole him out his mood (normally he can never resist my charms for too long!) This time he seemed different though. After about ten minutes he sort of came over to where I was, well close enough that I could hear his breathing was a bit laboured. 

Panic? Me? Too right I did.. Straight on the phone to the vet. By now it was around 5.30pm and the vet closes at 6pm, so last appointment is 5.50pm. They agreed to see me, but first tried to convince me he was maybe just having an off day, but I wasn't having any of that..no way Jose! So I got one of my sons to sit with him and try and get him in his pet carrier box, while I quickly dragged on some joggies and a hat (yeah..I looked splendid) Oh and I did brush my teeth! When I came down, I honestly expected a fight to get him in his box, he hates it with a passion, but no fight. He just hopped in, good as gold! So we set off, in the dark, infact I had to walk/jog/run a bit as time was ticking. I chatted to him the whole way, saying the vet would make him all better. At the vet, they thoroughly checked him over. He seemed fine but they noted his temperature was up slightly. So as a precaution he had 3 injections.  (Oh I forgot to mention he HATES being handled with a passion. In the 2 years since I've had him, I've held him about 3 times, and each time looked like I'd lost a fight with a rather nasty cat!) One antibiotic, one for his wee tummy (incase it was upset) and the other was pain medicine I think. The vet said he was sure he'd be fine, if he still wasn't eating by the next day, then I should bring him back.

To me vets are God. He said he'd be fine, so he'd be fine. I relaxed a little and opened his box. He's wet his wee pants (of course he doesn't really wear pants?!) in the vet, the vet said it was just stress. So his wee pants, well paws, were a wee bit wet. Poor boy. I sat and stroked and chatted to him, meanwhile instructing hubbykins to clean all his cage out to get it nice and comfy incase he wanted to go in for a wee sleep later. I had no intention of putting him in, afterall he's my baby, and sick, so therefore we'd sit up all night watching telly or whatever! He loved to sleep outside his cage. Next thing all hell literally broke loose. He hopped out his box, then over to the window. He usually looked out the window as my 2 dogs are often out there and I think he liked to watch them. Within seconds he started fitting, now I have a son who has seizures, so I'm well used to dealing with them, but this was frantic, he was trying to get up and falling over. I screamed at my husband to call the vet. By this time it had switched over to the emergency vet, so there was the faff of having to write down the number of the emergency vet (why they don't just transfer the call to another line after 6 I don't know!!) but all in that short minute or however long, it may only have been seconds, he was gone. At that point my husband screamed back at me to get out, he was in a state too. I climbed the stairs and had one of the worst asthma attacks of my life. What the hell just happened? In my heart I knew when he'd screamed at me to get out it was over, but I was doing the old - head, bury, sand thing and thinking maybe he'd be okay? Deep down I knew he wasn't though.

I've dealt with death before. I lost my Dad (I was a total Daddy's girl as you'll learn over time) at the age of 28. I also struggled with the loss of 3 of my dogs over my lifetime. 2 had to be put to sleep (1 who was about 16 and in ill health, then the other who was riddled with cancer at the age of 8) then there was my other wee baby dog (my first dog of my own) who was killed by a car. I liken the loss of Sweep to losing her. The total shock of it, the fact they suffered. When they're old, or poorly, you kinda half expect it. Not that it makes it easy, far from it. I can't get my head around the fact I was only 5 minutes back from the vet and now he'd passed. I thought he was going to be okay! As it happened, the emergency vet, was the same vet who had seen Sweep prior. He seemed upset and said he'd thought it may be VHD, but hadn't liked to say. I felt angry that he hadn't kept him there then and if he'd got worse, he could've prevented the suffering he had at the end. That's the bit I can't stop re-living. He was only 2, had never been ill and now he's gone. Maybe in time I'll feel thankful that Sweep was with us when he passed. Without sounding big-headed I was his fav person ever, so maybe it was meant to be that a minute before he passed, he was getting stroked and talked rubbish to by me? Infact, already as I type, I'm sure it was better he was with me, than strangers in a cold vet.

I know to some he was only an animal, he was my baby boy though. There's a lot more to that feeling..I can't have anymore 'real' kids, so these furry kids mean the world to me. Since it happened on Tuesday 23rd November, I haven't been back in my livingroom. I can't face to see where it all happened. I can't stand to see the big empty space where his cage was. My seat was right beside him, while I watched television, if he was in the cage, then my hand was in there with him. I am thankful for the wonderful 2 years I had with him, to me he was the most beautiful bunny there ever was (biased, me?) I'll miss everything about him, his beautiful face, his beautiful soft fur, his wee strops, him sharing our Sunday dinners - he had his wee plate of veggies every Sunday, his love of balloons and my livingroom won't ever be the same now. It doesn't feel like home right now. 

Now I'll always be afraid to think I'm having a bad week, incase it gets horribly worse like it did. The only thing I keep reminding myself is that somewhere else, someone will have suffered a much greater human loss, maybe those poor soldiers in Afghan, or some poor, poor parent losing a child (my worst ever fear) I have to just be thankful for the love he brought into my home. 


Sleep tight in Rainbow Bridge Sweepy Boy. I'll be up to get you soon. Love, Mama ox's

2 comments:

  1. I am sorry for your loss. These furry pets of ours are not just pets, they become children to us. I lost my "daughter" last week suddenly. That has to be the worst way too, the sudden lost, no way to ease into the notion that this loved one will no longer be around, its just taken from you suddenly.

    Thanks for writing. Keep it up and take care.

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  2. Aww thanks for posting Anonyms, and for reading. I didn't think anyone would want to!

    I'm sorry for the loss of Biscuit. She was such a beautiful dog, and the fact it happened so quickly is awful. It brought it back to me about my own dog Sasha (as I mentioned on your blog, the circumstances were so similar, and we were both faced with that awful decision, but knew what we had to do for the sake of our babies) Everything reminds you of the dearly missed pets. They are part of the family and it takes so long to adjust to them not being there. For me, I had two dogs, so in a sense it was easier to make the decision to get another dog, as the dog left (Ellie) was pining so badly for her mate. It must be so much harder for you as you're just left with a big empty space in your home and your heart. I've been thinking of you lots since your loss and hoping you were coping.

    Thanks for your kind words about Sweep. I very much feel he's still with me, I read this poem and it helped.

    Wake up Mum, wake up quick!
    I have to stop your nightmares or you'll get sick.
    I'm still here Mum I've not gone
    Instead I'm just in spirit; I'm now an invisible bun.
    Don't cry Mum
    I can't bare to see you sad,
    You were my best friend
    The best a bunny could have.

    When you sleep in the night
    I'm lying by your side
    I listen to your heartbeat
    And I nuzzle you with pride.
    Sometimes I bring my bunny friends
    Just to let them see
    The one who was my Mum
    The special one to me.

    In the morning when you wake Mum
    I miss your lovely smile,
    You can still wave
    You see, I can still see you, although you can't see me?

    I follow you around
    I'm the shadow in the corner of your eye,
    I'm still your little bunny
    Invisible
    And I will never die.

    I also made him an online memorial. I've also got lots of his photos framed and I'll have one made into a canvas. I always just cling onto the fact that the only reason I (we) feel so bad is we invested so much time and love into these animals, so of course it's going to hurt like hell when they go. Then I realise it's worth the pain, as I wouldn't change a single minute of the time invested in my babies..just the same as you and Biscuit. You were the best Dad you could have ever been, and although her time on earth wasn't long enough, you did your very best for her.

    Take care! Catch you on your blog..

    Jax x

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